Hello! By now, we’re positive you’ve heard the newest about Graham Platner, and we’re positive you’re questioning: Will extra sneakers drop? No! Completely not. Graham is way too masculine to have a big assortment of sneakers. Until by sneakers you imply one thing metaphorical, like an allegation. In that case, perhaps.
Look, if there’s one factor we on the Platner marketing campaign can say with absolute confidence, it’s that he has no skeletons in his closet. Properly, there’s something fabricated from a cranium and bones, organized the way in which you’d discover on an SS helmet, however not a bodily, three-dimensional skeleton. For those who’re not asking about literal skeletons, there is perhaps some stuff.
Are October surprises in retailer? Simply the gorgeous foliage of Maine! All the time thrilling, at all times shocking. Until you imply “issues that we’ve got not talked about about his previous which may come out.” To that we are saying, “Don’t fear! The worst rumors are unfaithful! No matter allegations could emerge are undoubtedly not credible.” (Oh, The New York Occasions simply revealed new allegations? Most likely simply girls yapping!)
We thought we had determined that character didn’t matter. Didn’t we resolve that? Please inform me we determined that on either side of the aisle, or this election goes to be very awkward.
Look, who amongst us hasn’t in some unspecified time in the future or one other admired some Nazi gear and expressed pleasure about attending to kill individuals? The Republican front-runner for governor of Colorado claims that he killed a person when he was 7, and he refuses to rule out having killed different individuals after that. Ken Paxton is Ken Paxton. You assume there’s a single working-class Mainer beneath the age of 70 who doesn’t have a Totenkopf tattoo, who wasn’t actively utilizing a private-messaging app to cheat on his spouse, who would need to maintain elected workplace?
You mentioned sure to that? Huh! We want we’d realized that a couple of months in the past! Good to know. We are going to take that into consideration in 2032!
The purpose is: Individuals can change. Please ship Platner to the Senate to show that. That’s the most effective place to ship individuals to develop and alter: america Senate!
Look, there’s one factor about Platner that has at all times been constant, and that we promise is not going to change: He isn’t Susan Collins. Please cease poking into his life! Simply deal with his insurance policies! The voters of Maine need him, and we don’t need to change that by giving them any extra details about him!
Bear in mind, the choice is Susan Collins! You understand what occurs when you elect Susan Collins. Roe v. Wade will get overturned. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will get confirmed. ICE will get funded. The Senate continues to take a seat there, hoping another person will examine the president. These are your choices.
You’re the rube for wanting somebody to actively get enthusiastic about, an individual whose judgment is reliably good in private issues in addition to in mentioning the entire methods the system is damaged. For wanting somebody who takes everybody else’s life as critically as his personal, who doesn’t see them as targets or collateral. For wanting somebody who represents the most effective of you, not somebody who’s simply not Susan Collins. Neglect it, Jake—it’s 2026! You’re the idiot for ever getting your hopes up.
