In latest months, freelance author Chanté Joseph observed a shocking development on her social media feeds: Girls had stopped posting footage of their boyfriends.
For a very long time, boyfriend pics have been good social media fodder. Whether or not on trip or chilling at residence, these pictures despatched a message of heterosexual bliss, of contented couplehood. A world, as Joseph wrote, “the place ladies’s on-line identities centered across the lives of their companions, a scenario hardly ever seen reversed.”
However then the boyfriends disappeared. You may see a hand, or a shadow, or the again of a head. However the faces of those males have been cropped out or blurred out, “as in the event that they need to erase the actual fact they exist with out really not posting them.”
Girls have been residing their lives, and their guys not served their private manufacturers.
Joseph puzzled this out in an article for Vogue referred to as “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece went viral, sparking a wave of TikTok discourse and prompting a follow-up story a few weeks later.
As we speak, Defined host Astead Herndon referred to as Joseph as much as discuss her piece, the response it acquired, and the state of heterosexual courting now.
You wrote what I might assume is likely one of the most memorable items of the 12 months, a chunk for Vogue that went viral in 2025, particularly a couple of query that you just put into the zeitgeist. Are you able to inform me concerning the piece?
The piece was primarily asking this query if having a boyfriend has misplaced the social standing it as soon as supplied ladies. And I used to be analyzing this by means of the lens of social media.
I used to be wanting on the manner that ladies are very personal about posting their romantic companions on-line. Lots of people have been sticking emojis over their boyfriend’s heads. We’ve all seen this and I believe it began to ramp up, after which it grew to become a bit little bit of a parody the place folks would simply edit out their boyfriend’s heads fully.
However then I observed that individuals would put up their wedding ceremony movies or they might put up their engagement movies and photographs. They have been edited in a manner that you just by no means knew what the husband regarded like. And I used to be like, “Okay, that is feeling a bit excessive.”
You’re noticing one thing that has actually grow to be clear on the timeline. I bear in mind boyfriend reveals or issues like that, but it surely’s gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece discover and what did you even imply by “embarrassing”?
So I discovered mainly three issues.
The primary was, folks mentioned they didn’t need to do that merely for privateness causes. And I questioned, “Properly, why is it solely this space of your life?” After which they might go on to say, “Properly, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me subsequent week and I had to return and delete the photographs…I’d must take care of the disgrace of that.”
However then there have been ladies who simply outright thought the thought of getting a boyfriend was inherently embarrassing as a result of it didn’t align with the model. Lots of people felt like “if I put up my boyfriend on Instagram or on social media, I’m indicating one thing about me to the world that I don’t need folks to know.”
Within the piece, one of many feedback that I quote is this concept of somebody saying, “Why does having a boyfriend really feel Republican?” I believe it’s the best way that the heterosexual romantic relationship has virtually been co-opted a bit bit by the appropriate. It feels historically very conservative. I really feel like I’m aligning to this concept of the world that doesn’t actually really feel pure to me.
I used to be going to ask particularly about how we should always take into consideration this alongside rising tendencies like “tradwives” and others. Are these items which might be occurring on the identical time? Are these simply totally different communities?
I believe they’re occurring on the identical time. I take into consideration the response to my piece — whether or not it’s from the lads who have been simply actually offended that I might ever speak disparagingly about males or the ladies who have been very happy with their relationships — feeling as if [it] was an assault on them.
I believe the best way we discuss relationships on-line has modified a lot. I used to be speaking concerning the ReesaTeesa “Who the fuck did I marry?” [series] or the “Danish Deception,” these ladies coming on-line making these 60-part TikTok movies, detailing the entire horrible issues which have occurred to them.
West Elm Caleb. I keep in mind that one.
All of these items. So there isn’t a phantasm across the fantasy anymore. And so I believe that has gripped lots of people.
You probably did a call-out in your Instagram, and the responses from followers mentioned that there was “an amazing sense…that whatever the relationship, being with a person was virtually a responsible factor to do.” So are we speaking right here nearly, like, disgrace of heterosexuality partnerships? It looks like straightness is on the core of this.
Oh yeah, one hundred pc. And I believe that is what actually upset folks as effectively. We don’t discuss heterosexuality on this manner. We very a lot see it as a norm. That is simply the best way to be in society. And so we should always by no means actually query what’s occurring right here.
However really, I used to be like, no, it’s deeper than that. So one of many inspirations behind this piece was a e book by professor Jane Ward. Her e book known as The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, and within the e book, she has a chapter that’s devoted to the issues that queer folks say behind their straight associates’ backs.
And it was completely fascinating to get into the notion of straightness, straight folks, and straight tradition. And I believe the thought of embarrassment undoubtedly got here from studying that and actually realizing the ways in which, yeah, straight tradition may be very embarrassing.
What do you assume we’ve realized about straight relationships from this episode?
I believe what I’ve realized is that individuals are nonetheless making an attempt to assert the privilege that being in a relationship, notably a straight relationship, provides them. And I believe for some folks, their anger to this piece was about them realizing that they could lose this privilege, and they may not have many different privileges. And so dropping this looks like an enormous deal.
Do you’re feeling such as you’ve come by means of this pondering boyfriends are roughly embarrassing?
Have you learnt what? I believe I’ve come away pondering that they’re extra embarrassing. I can’t lie as a result of the lads are being embarrassing, and the ladies with boyfriends upset about this piece are much more embarrassing. So I’m like, rattling, I may need to double down.
