My father dislikes firework reveals, for all the explanations {that a} man who handed his youth squeezing a set off within the identify of God and nation dislikes firework reveals. He loves fireworks, nonetheless, if he’s the one lighting them, a psychological loophole that he and I’ve availed ourselves of at quite a few East Coast tourist-trap locales through the years. Our most up-to-date journey was an tour to South Carolina after I was in my 20s: We loaded up a rented golf cart with an excessive quantity of fireworks and a reasonable quantity of Miller Lite and set off for the seashore to take pleasure in each. The golf cart was road-legal, however whether or not the fireworks had been beach-legal was a query I didn’t suppose to ask. I used to be residing in New York Metropolis on the time, besotted with its buzzy eating places and rooftop bars, and that journey, with its unpretentious pleasure, is after I began to understand my dad’s quiet enthusiasm for easy enjoyable. It was additionally after I started to suspect that I’d at some point run out of zeal for New York’s inexhaustible provide of novel experiences.
That was a few decade in the past, after I was unencumbered and never particularly involved with following native fireworks ordinances. Now, nonetheless, I’m a father and a husband, have decamped to Maine, and am an ostensibly respectable member of the nation’s citizenry. So after I set out this week with the aim of re-creating the fireworks-on-the-beach expertise I’d had with my father, I wished to do it by the ebook.
I assumed this could be simple. Fireworks, like sports activities playing, weed, and different widespread vices, have been on a gradual march towards legalization in current many years. (Maybe unsurprisingly, fireworks accidents in America have risen as legalization has unfold. A report launched in June estimated that the variety of fireworks-related ER visits in 2024 was 40 p.c greater than in 2014.) The one state that also bans all client fireworks outright is Massachusetts, which signifies that the one place the place you possibly can’t rejoice American freedom with a bang is the place the combat for American freedom started with a bang. Maine, in contrast, has among the most permissive fireworks legal guidelines within the nation. I assumed that every one I would want to do was drive to the gasoline station for beer, the fireworks retailer for provides, and an area seashore for kaboom. I had no concept I’d find yourself on a days-long odyssey with the un-Homeric aim of discovering a stretch of oceanfront on which to legally deploy a number of hundred {dollars}’ price of consumer-grade pyrotechnics.
I used to be proper about one factor: Procuring fireworks legally was simple. (Although it was not low cost—costs this 12 months are significantly greater than I keep in mind, the results of inflation and tariffs.) I walked into my native Phantom Fireworks retailer on Monday, confirmed my ID to an worker—who apparently forgot to provide me the protection spiel that I later heard him rattle off for different clients—and walked up and down the aisles, surveying the merchandise. I used to be directly overwhelmed by the panorama of distinctly American extra and moved by the nice number of American life to which it attested.
I found leisure explosives for each kind of individual residing inside this nation’s borders, befitting each type of enthusiasm and ideological dedication: castle-doctrine “STAND YOUR GROUND” fireworks for the Second Modification fanatic ($349.99), Rosie the Riveter fireworks for the feminist ($120.00), Illuminati-triangle fireworks for the conspiracist ($49.99), “SINGULARITY” fireworks for the AI fanatic ($135.00), lobster-festooned “Depraved Pissah” fireworks for the New Englander ($49.99), Battle of Yorktown fireworks for historical past buffs ($179.99), “Shagadellic Mojo” fireworks for the attractive buyer ($44.99), suggestively silhouetted “Mega Mojo!” fireworks for the very attractive buyer ($149.99), and, my private favourite, Boyz II Males fireworks for many who love soulful harmonies ($199.99). Of the obtainable ways in which an grownup can spend a whole bunch of {dollars} on 20-odd seconds of delight, the Boyz II Males “Finish of the Street”–themed Phantom Fireworks particular is actually among the many extra virtuous.
The shop additionally provided an abundance of firework varieties: bombettes, mortars, ground-bound fountains that emit a volcanic torrent of sparks. I used to be practically seduced by a Komodo-dragon-themed fountain, however I imagine {that a} true firework ought to go up and go growth, and a person should stand on precept. After half a dozen laps by means of the aisles, I marched as much as the money register with 5 choices, all within the aerial “cake” type that fires flaming balls from a collection of hid mortar tubes: one which appeared impressed by Jaws and one by Jurassic Park (my favourite Spielberg films); one “Depraved Pissah” (which appeared compulsory); one “Bait a Hook” field, catering to fishermen (consistent with my angling obsession); and a generic rah-rah-patriotism package deal with the overwrought identify “’Neath the Purple, White and Blue.”
Later, seized with irrational panic that I lacked an actual showstopper, I returned to the shop and requested the primary purple-shirted Phantom worker I noticed for one thing underneath $200 that will make an actual impression. He wordlessly shuffled to the farthest wall, pulled a package deal labeled “Geomagnetic Storm” ($129.99) from a excessive show, and gave the field a hearty slap on its aspect, as you may burp a child. “They like this one,” he reported. I have no idea who “they” are, however I trusted their style implicitly. I left the shop significantly poorer and with the unshakable conviction that though the American undertaking could not but endure, nobody can say we don’t have enjoyable.
The place to have that enjoyable was one other matter. The benefit with which I legally bought the fireworks lulled me into overoptimism concerning the ease with which I might legally deploy them. As I quickly came upon, though Maine takes a slightly laissez-faire method to fireworks on the state stage, most of the state’s native municipalities implement their very own restrictions. Some areas designate particular dates and instances when fireworks will be set off (mostly, July Fourth and New 12 months’s Eve); others ban them year-round. On prime of this, my need to launch fireworks from a seashore was an issue: Maine permits client fireworks for use solely on personal property, and I don’t, alas, have a home with its personal seashore.
I used to be curious if I’d be capable of finagle a maritime workaround. I contacted some native fireplace departments to ask concerning the permissibility, and knowledge, of deploying small fireworks from a ship. (I should not have a ship, however I do have a buddy with a ship and poor judgment.) At first, nobody I spoke with was capable of definitively say whether or not this selection was secure or authorized, however one advisable that I name a Coast Guard data line. My Coast Guard question yielded no solutions, however it did result in the suggestion that I contact Maine’s fire-marshal workplace, the place finally a diligent and useful public servant advised me that launching fireworks from a private watercraft is totally unlawful. However additionally they added—maybe wink-winkingly, undoubtedly humorously—that the hearth marshal “issued zero citations for this in 2024.”
My many telephone calls, one in-person go to to the hearth division, and hours of scrutinizing native fireworks legal guidelines led me to comprehend that my modest aim of legally setting off fireworks on a seashore in statement of this nation’s birthday was far too formidable. I used to be compelled to not let the right be the enemy of the nice, and to compromise. The specifics of that compromise I go away as much as the reader’s creativeness, however the upshot is that $300.60 of civilian-market explosives ultimately met their logical finish in an extravagant and all-too-brief flurry of detonations. To my slight disappointment, the fireworks I had purchased, together with the fabled Geomagnetic Storm, had been largely indistinguishable from each other. No matter value or theme, they did about the identical factor after I lit them: shot up into the sky with a hiss, exploded in a cacophony, and issued a final burst of sunshine and shade. However they nonetheless had their evergreen capability to elicit an involuntary squeal of pleasure from a grown man. Ultimately, enjoyable was had, 10 fingers had been retained, the vacation was celebrated, and the ensuing video was texted to my father, who instantly requested the one query that issues: “What else do you will have? Any mortars?” God bless America.
