Valued customers!
We perceive that over the previous 250-odd years, you could have come to depend on the providers supplied by the U.S. of A.: postal supply, consultant authorities, edible meals, clear water, lifesaving vaccines, and no kings—ever, assured. Nicely, 250 years of free is sufficient. Now we demand $TRUMP coin.
Was America excellent earlier than? Hell, no! A few of these options arrived fairly late for a few of you, and for that, we was once sorry.
We had been so excited to succeed in 340 million free customers. However now it’s time to streamline our product in order that it appeals extra to paid subscribers, and meaning some adjustments for everybody else. We’re including quite a lot of options nobody requested for that may make your expertise worse and likewise value some huge cash! Freedom isn’t free! Neither is it, precisely, the liberty you’ve been used to! Sure, that is the Nationwide Guard in your metropolis. We all know that you just didn’t request it; it’s only a new characteristic we’re rolling out, presumably for 30 days, presumably for even longer!
You had been fairly vocal about what attracted you to America within the first place: private liberty, financial alternative, one thing referred to as the American dream, and, in fact, the perennial menace of gun violence. (That final characteristic developed over time, however plainly our customers are fairly connected? We provided you a lot alternatives to choose out.) However we knew what was actually retaining you right here: inertia, and the problem of discovering an alternate that sells respectable breakfast burritos. We’re banking on that going ahead.
We hope the issue of switching to a different supplier will hold you right here whereas we slowly take away all of the options that you just got here for and substitute them with AI-generated slop. We’re additionally altering quite a lot of our graphic design to extract any remaining soul from our product. (We noticed how nicely that went for Cracker Barrel!) This comes with branding updates too! As a substitute of a Good, Pleasant Place The place You Can Work Arduous and Have a Higher Life, we’re now That Place With Extra Than 60,000 Individuals At the moment in ICE Detention. Sydney Sweeney’s denims are operating the Division of Homeland Safety.
Don’t fear. Our new CEO does hate a big portion of our present person base, however he’s not completely blind to the tradition right here. He’s very excited to convey again some issues that previous customers described as “nice,” similar to Melancholy, Recession, and White-Shark Assaults. It was additionally his good concept so as to add the options of autocracy—State Management of Enterprise, Normal Encouragement of Groveling, Masked Males Who Yank Your Neighbors Into an Unmarked Van to Whisk Them Off to a Gulag—to our core democratic product.
You heard it proper: The federal government you knew for Climate Knowledge and Medical Analysis goes all in on Despot Whims. This prices cash, so bedrock options similar to Separation of Powers, No Troop Quartering, and Due Course of are being phased out, even for premium subscribers. We’re additionally eliminating most of our Well being and Science. However you’ll be able to have a profession in ICE.
We’re retaining some options for premium customers. Need rule of regulation? That’s premium. The correct to run your organization with out authorities interference? That’s a paid characteristic now. A proof from the Supreme Court docket as to why it simply dominated towards you? Possibly!
Why is that this occurring now? Easy. You all know the basic strategy of enshittification, as coined by Cory Doctorow, out of your expertise with the tech merchandise that contact each side of your life. First, you could have a product that everybody enjoys, after which, when somebody decides that that product must make a revenue, all the things about it will get step by step worse and worse till the entire thing is ruined. This is the reason, everytime you open America’s homepage, an undesirable video begins to play. As a substitute of the medical advice you had been searching for, there’s a man with one bizarre trick, whom docs hate! (He’s the well being and human providers secretary!) The entire articles are actually written by AI, besides Article I, which has disappeared solely.
Why are these adjustments essential? They aren’t! Can you choose out of them? No! Tariffs, a share of Intel, and a weirdly conciliatory perspective towards Russian President Vladimir Putin are actually the default for all customers. Additionally, all the things that was once free now isn’t: speech, meeting, and petition, to call simply three. Eggs now value $800—each as a result of they’re very costly to provide and since we try to make the greenback nugatory.
What occurred to my free press? Sorry! That’s paywalled.
We have now gotten rid of the individuals chargeable for making gradual enhancements to America, and our new workforce needs to see exponential income for shareholders. It’s unclear who these shareholders are, precisely! We thought all of us had been, nevertheless it may simply be our CEO? The govt mansion undoubtedly appears fancier than we keep in mind, and he has a brand new personal airplane.
You may nonetheless hold utilizing America, and relying in your model, it could stay practical for some size of time. However in the event you’d wish to subscribe to our premium product, there’s no higher alternative than proper now! Please hand $5,000,000 in unmarked payments to our CEO. He could spare you.
