Hurry, hurry, hurry! Everyone, to the bunker! It’s halftime on the Tremendous Bowl, and what’s occurring on the sphere is un-American in a approach I gained’t specify!
Isn’t Unhealthy Bunny an American artist? Don’t hundreds of thousands of individuals love his music? Didn’t he simply win the Album of the 12 months Grammy? No time, no time! We should get into the bunker shortly for the All-American halftime!
However, Father—
No! Hush and eat your coal!
Is the president going to observe with us? What sort of a query is that! Think about the president not watching the Turning Level USA All-American Halftime Present, streaming reside on the TPUSA channel on YouTube (however not X.com, as a result of last-minute technical difficulties) on or round 8 p.m. ET, through the Tremendous Bowl. If there’s one factor we learn about President Donald J. Trump, it’s that what’s ok for his devoted followers is precisely what he likes finest himself, and he completely is not going to simply tune in to the Tremendous Bowl and watch the precise halftime present. Don’t fear—he’s proper there with us, twiddling with YouTube as we’re!
Shh! Right here comes Secretary of Struggle Pete Hegseth, with a particular welcome message about “this halftime present that the Struggle Division is proud to assist!” Hey, Pete threw a soccer! God, he’s cool. Cool isn’t being snug in your personal pores and skin. Cool is making your complete household watch … a man in a backward baseball cap, purple sneakers, and thin denims play the nationwide anthem on the electrical guitar in what seems to be a sealed bunker.
Heck yeah! Now we’re speaking! One factor I all the time take into consideration the Tremendous Bowl halftime present is, This could possibly be indoors. And that is essentially the most indoors anybody has ever regarded. Is that this reside from the mines of Moria? Is that this the president’s new, extra-secure vault underneath the East Wing? Both approach, you’ll be able to inform it’s cool as a result of, once more, the cap is backward.
What do you imply Unhealthy Bunny simply fell by a roof, there was a marriage, and Pedro Pascal is there? Who cares? Within the bunker, Lee Brice, the singer of the 2014 hit(?) “The Ingesting Class,” is debuting a particular new music with lyrics about how arduous it’s to be nation on this nation these days!
What’s America these days? Let the lyrics from this wondrous patriot extravaganza (to not be confused with the Tremendous Bowl itself, a Patriot blowout) clarify it to you! “Outdated Glory’s on a can. / And every thing’s made in the united statesA. / Hand in your coronary heart when the music will get performed.” What do Individuals need? “To catch my fish, drive my truck, drink my beer / and never get up to all these items I don’t need to hear.” America is a person who cheated on you getting cheated on himself! Whereas a great American man is “a cellphone name to his mother and father. He’s a Bible by the mattress.” America is an ill-advised rap breakdown: “I sit again and take into consideration them good ol’ days. The best way we have been raised and our southern methods.” That’s my nation!
Sure, I do know. I do know Unhealthy Bunny is a U.S. citizen. You realize what I’m making an attempt to say. He’s Puerto Rican. Sure, I do know Puerto Rico is a part of America. However. You realize. You realize what I’m saying. An actual American artist would converse English. Or on the very least, just lately translated German. Just like the DHS X account.
This isn’t a canine whistle. That’s my smoke alarm. I’m burning the nachos! No, Nachos are all-American. Yeah, I’m fairly positive. Properly, the way in which I make them, they’re. Have some salsa. Sure, it’s delicate.
It’s good to be right here, watching this all-American halftime present, with all the true Individuals. You realize we outnumber the individuals watching the opposite present? Yeah. 5 million to 135 million. (It helps if we don’t depend all of them as individuals.)
Come down, come down, the place it’s good and darkish and secure, and listen to Child Rock carry out not as soon as, however twice! Don’t fear: This concludes with a memorial of Charlie Kirk, so if anybody criticizes it on-line, that individual might be faraway from their place, drawn, and quartered!
So. For, confusingly, much more minutes than halftime lasts, please take pleasure in solely what’s secure to take pleasure in! Nobody will bang down your door for watching this! No brokers of the state will yank you out of a stadium for bopping alongside to this! Play this as loud in your automobile as you’d like!
Now put your fingers collectively for: Child Rock, many times! Without end! Singing “Bawitdaba”! Or, effectively, leaping round whereas it performs! Much more essential that the performer not be, effectively, you realize—you realize—than that the efficiency be full, outside, or reside. Mr. Rock is leaping across the stage in shorts! He’s sporting a hat! Did Unhealthy Bunny put on a cool hat like Mr. Rock? Did Unhealthy Bunny additionally steadily regulate the hat?
No, no, no, no, no! Don’t reply that! Don’t you dare Google it!
We should not see how the remainder of the nation resides. We should not enable ourselves to suspect that they’re America too.
